Back in Black

My love affair with the color Black dates back exactly seven years ago today, April 30, 2005. That was the very first time in my life I wore all black, including my watch, my pair of socks and shoes and my beloved ring which had Mi Amor’s name encrypted on it.

First time ever in All Black -
Dated Apr 30, 2005

Since then on wards I have only wore black clothes for most part of my existence, I absolutely don’t feel good on a rare occasion when I wear a different colored outfit. Many of my conversations with few people, especially my close friends starts with a comment on my all black outfit; I have been called “The Man in Black” to “Blacky” to “Akshay in Black” and many more. I feel amused when I get comments like that because most of my friends have seen me wearing only black clothes for many years now.

My inspiration to wear black clothes was indeed the love of my life, Shaki. She used to wear mostly black clothes in her teens so I tried to emulate her by wearing only black clothes in my teens.

My Best Pic -
Dated Dec 26, 2007

Black has given me a new but different identity which I did not possess before. Everyone I know identifies me with the color black. They may not always know my style in terms of the clothes I wear, well there isn’t much style to talk about, I pretty much suck in that department but when you ask any of my friends what kind of clothes I wear, 9 out of 10 times you might get the answer as Black. And I never shop for my clothes either, well hardly. Only recently I have started to “learn” to shop for my own clothes but mostly the shopping part will be taken care of by my mom or my bro. Only condition I put forth before they buy clothes for me is, you guessed it, it should be only Black.

On top of Mullayanagiri Peak,
 on Aug 14, 2011

I do get a few weird stares when I walk on the road wearing all black, it doesn’t bother me at all, in fact I like the attention I get.  Although I don’t stand out in a crowd, nor I have the personality to stand out but wearing black makes me feel different from others and gives me the confidence to stand out in a crowd.

Ethnic Day -
Dated Oct 15, 2010

I absolutely do not like wearing Ethnic Clothes but when we had “Ethnic Day” in college a couple of years ago, I decided to wear ethnic for the first time in my life and obviously it had to be all black, much to the amusement of everyone. And on that particular day somebody even called me “Moosa Bhai” while I was walking on the road. No kidding.

On my Birthday -
Apr 13, 2012

I tend to laugh at people who say, “Black is unlucky” or it isn’t right to wear black clothes or anything to do with the color black because it brings them “Bad Omen”. I don’t believe in such nonsense. I will always continue with my fascination for the color black and continue to wear black clothes because black defines me, it defines who I really am. 

After a lot of struggle with my health issues in the past couple of months, I finally managed to stand up on my own feet and walk a few steps on my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I was determined to wear black on that day so that I can feel “normal” again. If you don’t know me that well probably you would not understand in totality what the last sentence really meant to me.

To me, black doesn’t stand for darkness or evil, it is a way of life and will always continue to be.

A Beautiful Birthday Gift

A month after the operation. Still smiling :)

Six months of enduring some excruciating pain, one unforgettable day of operation, after 6 weeks of physically challenging recuperation and after many mental, physical and emotional fight backs later, I finally managed to take my first few steps towards complete recovery today, a day before my birthday. It was like I was learning to walk all over again, one baby step after another. It was one of the most emotional moments of my life.

My knee muscles had become weaker because I hadn’t walked for close to six weeks, hence when I tried to walk I felt like I might fall over any moment. I was still very much imbalanced but managed to make myself steady to take my very first steps after the operation. I was overcome with emotions. Finally I felt no pain while walking; I was almost used to the pain while I walked, so much so it felt weird that I didn’t feel the pain while walking. Although it might take another two to three weeks more before I can make a complete recovery but today was one of the most emotional and happiest days of my life.

It might be a happy co-incidence that I took my first steps towards recovery a day before my birthday on April 12th exactly two years ago when I was diagnosed with ITP as well. My platelet count had miraculously increased to normal levels a day before my birthday. Although my platelet count plummeted 10 days later to below normal levels again. My platelets gradually increased after that and I made a complete recovery by the end of May, 2010.

My status message on April 12th 2010, a day before my birthday 

I don’t know what else to say because I feel too emotional to put my thoughts into words today. My mother has always been a pillar of strength for me and I could never have fought these battles on my own without her undying support and blessings. She is my inspiration. I love you Maa. You are the greatest mother in the whole wide world. And my dear bro as well for his love and support, I don’t know what I’ll do without him by my side.

I want to thank all my closest friends for their never ending support when I really need them. I am so lucky to have such amazing friends in my life. My few close relatives and cousins whom I truly love and trust, you know who you are, thank you for being there for me when I needed it.

And also a special thank you to my dear blog friends. Your amazing comments made me so much stronger, I can’t be thankful enough.

And with that, The Eternal Fighter makes another determined comeback, albeit not spectacular or dramatic like many previous occasions but it was definitely a hard fought comeback.

Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do

We all go through lots of success or failures in our life, be it personal or professional life. How do we accept those success or failures? Will you accept both in the same way or will you let the success go to your head and failure to your heart? We might accept success in the right spirits as we should but the same may not be said when we have gone through some gut-wrenching failures.

I have always tried to take both success and failures in my stride. Although I have experienced failures a lot more than success in my life but I have learnt to enjoy both in the same spirits. Its not that I do not succeed always but I have learnt to deal with failures a lot better. I never get bogged down by my failures nor let the success get to my head.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

But what if you are going through a lot of adversities, devastation after devastation and one gut-wrenching failure after another? None of these adversities are self-inflicted but you are being severely tested, you are made to fight for every breath you take. How would you handle such situations? Will you just accept it as your fate and live with it or would you do anything to change it? Do you have the courage and the strength to stand up and fight for it?

I am constantly asking such questions to myself more so in the recent past but the answers I am giving myself aren’t very encouraging. I am still fighting for every breath I take; I still keep telling myself there is absolutely nothing in the world I cannot achieve but there is also fear, not the fear of failing but the fear of not trying, hard enough. I feel like I am still holding back for some reason, also due to my present circumstances I feel like I am forced to hold back. And that is not the right place to be in for me at this moment. Every breath I am taking now is a constant battle to break those shackles.

At the same time I ask myself whether my constant health issues have done more damage than I credit them for. I always keep telling myself that nothing can break me but the core of my entire self may already be irreversibly damaged. But I won’t let those demons in my head get the better of me, no not this time, not anytime.

Nick Vujicic - No Arms, No Legs, No Problems
Image Courtesy: Google Images

As the cliché goes, I will rise from the ashes like a phoenix and there is absolutely nothing in the world that can stop me. I have gone though many adversities in the past and I have fought back valiantly every time. I might have lost many times but I have never lost hope.

I will not lose hope now; I will fight back, as always. I will regain my faith and I will come out of this phase a stronger, tougher and a much more determined person. I will come out of this phase a winner.

If anyone feels otherwise, I just have one thing to tell them:

DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO.

No matter how many times you fail, you just need to keep trying. It matters how you are going to finish, are you going to finish strong?