Back in Black

My love affair with the color Black dates back exactly seven years ago today, April 30, 2005. That was the very first time in my life I wore all black, including my watch, my pair of socks and shoes and my beloved ring which had Mi Amor’s name encrypted on it.

First time ever in All Black -
Dated Apr 30, 2005

Since then on wards I have only wore black clothes for most part of my existence, I absolutely don’t feel good on a rare occasion when I wear a different colored outfit. Many of my conversations with few people, especially my close friends starts with a comment on my all black outfit; I have been called “The Man in Black” to “Blacky” to “Akshay in Black” and many more. I feel amused when I get comments like that because most of my friends have seen me wearing only black clothes for many years now.

My inspiration to wear black clothes was indeed the love of my life, Shaki. She used to wear mostly black clothes in her teens so I tried to emulate her by wearing only black clothes in my teens.

My Best Pic -
Dated Dec 26, 2007

Black has given me a new but different identity which I did not possess before. Everyone I know identifies me with the color black. They may not always know my style in terms of the clothes I wear, well there isn’t much style to talk about, I pretty much suck in that department but when you ask any of my friends what kind of clothes I wear, 9 out of 10 times you might get the answer as Black. And I never shop for my clothes either, well hardly. Only recently I have started to “learn” to shop for my own clothes but mostly the shopping part will be taken care of by my mom or my bro. Only condition I put forth before they buy clothes for me is, you guessed it, it should be only Black.

On top of Mullayanagiri Peak,
 on Aug 14, 2011

I do get a few weird stares when I walk on the road wearing all black, it doesn’t bother me at all, in fact I like the attention I get.  Although I don’t stand out in a crowd, nor I have the personality to stand out but wearing black makes me feel different from others and gives me the confidence to stand out in a crowd.

Ethnic Day -
Dated Oct 15, 2010

I absolutely do not like wearing Ethnic Clothes but when we had “Ethnic Day” in college a couple of years ago, I decided to wear ethnic for the first time in my life and obviously it had to be all black, much to the amusement of everyone. And on that particular day somebody even called me “Moosa Bhai” while I was walking on the road. No kidding.

On my Birthday -
Apr 13, 2012

I tend to laugh at people who say, “Black is unlucky” or it isn’t right to wear black clothes or anything to do with the color black because it brings them “Bad Omen”. I don’t believe in such nonsense. I will always continue with my fascination for the color black and continue to wear black clothes because black defines me, it defines who I really am. 

After a lot of struggle with my health issues in the past couple of months, I finally managed to stand up on my own feet and walk a few steps on my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I was determined to wear black on that day so that I can feel “normal” again. If you don’t know me that well probably you would not understand in totality what the last sentence really meant to me.

To me, black doesn’t stand for darkness or evil, it is a way of life and will always continue to be.

Self Motivational Thoughts

Image Courtesy: Google Images

I had written this a few years ago on a piece of paper when I was going through a really terrible phase in my life. I always stay positive even if my life is in absolute dire-straits. I am a fighter and I have always fought my way through tough situations in my life. So I had written a few lines to motivate myself to overcome that tough phase. And it did help me a lot to a great extent. Now, I find myself going through another lean phase in my life. But I don't get bogged down by my failures, I don't get depressed, I always see a ray of hope. 

So here are some of my motivational thoughts to overcome failures/obstacles. Hope it helps, at least to a certain extent:

• Visualize your goal.
• Work out all the possible routes to reach your goal.
• Choose the best route (legally) achievable by you.
• List out the possible rivals and threats.
• Always stay focused on your goal and never lose the sight of it.
• Be supremely confident about your abilities.
• Believe in yourself.
• Don't let distractions affect you.
• Again remind yourself what your goals are and don't lose focus.
• Work very very hard.
• Always have a positive outlook.
• Don't let failures bog you down.
• Never ever give up, no matter what!
• List out your positives and negatives. Work on your negatives and turn them into positives. 
• Work harder on your positives and make them even stronger.
• Try loving the things which you are not good at or which don't come to you naturally. You may not be the best at it, but certainly you will the worst at it, if you try.

There is absolutely nothing in the world which is not achievable by you, only if you mind. Its time to put words into actions.  

A Note to Self

Image Courtesy: Google Images     

Stop playing the “Ever Positive” card and start acting on the serious issues at hand. It’s pretty clear to you what those obstacles are now, so you don't need a special invitation to right the wrong. You are losing grip again. Being positive mentally and doing nothing worthwhile is different from staying positive and finishing the job at hand. If you lose grip now it will be very difficult for you to get back. Once again you have fallen behind in the race of life. Your once famous “Comeback” has eluded you only because you didn't try hard enough. Now, the time has come to stop resting on your past laurels and give a serious re-think about what you really want to do in future. This is the most critical juncture in your life and you need to decide which road you want to traverse to reach your desired destination. You cannot afford another devastating setback; frankly speaking you cannot handle another setback. Need to introspect as to why you went wrong instead of where. Need to do some serious soul searching and find your inner happiness once again.

Need to find that old Akshay of 2004 to 2006 who was innocent and naïve. He was always happy and found happiness and success in everything he did. Cut to 2011, this Akshay is neither happy nor successful. He is sad, miserable and is just a pale shadow of what he once used to be and is desperately trying to be ‘that’ guy and failing miserably at it, instead of just being the Akshay of now. He has to realize, that golden phase of his life has ended and needs to move on. He has the potential to create another era which will be much more successful and satisfying than the previous era. He needs to realize the Akshay of now is not that different from Akshay of six years ago, he just needs to find that “something” which is lacking in his life right now and he will surely be back on track soon. He needs to learn the art of winning once again which he has forgotten somewhere in the past three years. The time has come for him to step-up to the challenges that life has to put forth and be counted. Start WINNING again.

My Current State of Mind

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My life is like walking into a severe whirlwind where the wind is so strong it is demolishing everything in its stride. I see trees, cars and even houses flying around me but I still walk fearlessly. A huge log of wood crashes into my chest and I fall down on the ground heavily injured. But I get up, lick my wounds and start walking ahead. That’s how I tackle the obstacles in my life. I fight them. Nothing can break me. Absolutely nothing can break me.

My battle with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura - A Year On!

“When life tries to fuck your case, show your middle finger to it and say, ‘Fuck you, I ain’t going down without a fight!’”

Today, exactly a year ago, I was diagnosed with a condition called ITP - a condition of having a low platelet count. The days leading up to Mar 9, 2010, were crucial. Initially, I noticed some blood clots on my arms and legs and on my upper body (pale pink dots). And, the worst part was, it started spreading throughout my body, but I had not taken this seriously. A day or two later, I started bleeding through my nose and my teeth gums. By this time I realised that something is seriously not right. So, I went to a clinic to get a blood test done. My platelet count was very low at 11,000; the doctor advised me to get admitted immediately as my condition was potentially serious. But I was in no position to accept that as I felt great physically, and apart from the bleeding, I didn’t feel there was anything wrong with me. I was also adamant I needed to attend my 1st internals (of my 6th semester) no matter what the following day, so I declined to get admitted to a hospital. After much deliberation and insistence from my mom, I finally gave in and got admitted to Manipal Hospital (in a very dramatic fashion I might add) at around 4 AM on Mar 9th. A few hours ago, my platelet count was 11,000 but now in the hospital, it had reduced to 5,000 and was dangerously decreasing.

The next few months that followed were the toughest months of my life—mentally, physically and emotionally. My platelet count kept fluctuating below 10,000 for the next 40 days or so and no signs of recovery were in sight. At this time, due to all the side effects of the medication, I had gained a whole chunk of weight, (I had literally gained 15 kilograms in two days at one point). To top that, my bleeding hadn’t stopped. Apart from the gums and nose, I started bleeding through my motion as well (and every conceivable hole in my body). Well, I'm exaggerating a bit but it certainly felt that way. I had developed some petechial rashes throughout my upper body and face and some of the rashes exist even to this day.

It was more of a mental battle for me rather than a physical one. I kept fighting, never gave up. I used to feel frustrated because my condition was not improving, and also because I couldn’t do anything in my power to make it improve. A little nervousness kept creeping up in my heart every now and then, and I started hallucinating probably due to the medication, which made it very difficult for me to sleep every night (I really can’t explain those feelings in words).

Finally, after struggling for more than two months with this condition, which included almost a month in a hospital bed, I finally started showing some signs of recovery and my platelet count started improving. Today, my platelet count stands at a healthy and safe 326,000, and most importantly, it’s kept steady at that level for the past 6 months and will hopefully stay that way in the future. 

But what really kept me going was, I had the support of my wonderful family and my beloved friends who kept supporting me all the way through thick and thin. I will forever be indebted for their support and care. Every “How are you now?” or “Get well soon” or “Take care” or a Facebook comment or a call asking about my health—meant everything to me. It made me a lot stronger and gave me the strength to carry on. I will never ever forget it. Thank you.