Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do

We all go through lots of success or failures in our life, be it personal or professional life. How do we accept those success or failures? Will you accept both in the same way or will you let the success go to your head and failure to your heart? We might accept success in the right spirits as we should but the same may not be said when we have gone through some gut-wrenching failures.

I have always tried to take both success and failures in my stride. Although I have experienced failures a lot more than success in my life but I have learnt to enjoy both in the same spirits. Its not that I do not succeed always but I have learnt to deal with failures a lot better. I never get bogged down by my failures nor let the success get to my head.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

But what if you are going through a lot of adversities, devastation after devastation and one gut-wrenching failure after another? None of these adversities are self-inflicted but you are being severely tested, you are made to fight for every breath you take. How would you handle such situations? Will you just accept it as your fate and live with it or would you do anything to change it? Do you have the courage and the strength to stand up and fight for it?

I am constantly asking such questions to myself more so in the recent past but the answers I am giving myself aren’t very encouraging. I am still fighting for every breath I take; I still keep telling myself there is absolutely nothing in the world I cannot achieve but there is also fear, not the fear of failing but the fear of not trying, hard enough. I feel like I am still holding back for some reason, also due to my present circumstances I feel like I am forced to hold back. And that is not the right place to be in for me at this moment. Every breath I am taking now is a constant battle to break those shackles.

At the same time I ask myself whether my constant health issues have done more damage than I credit them for. I always keep telling myself that nothing can break me but the core of my entire self may already be irreversibly damaged. But I won’t let those demons in my head get the better of me, no not this time, not anytime.

Nick Vujicic - No Arms, No Legs, No Problems
Image Courtesy: Google Images

As the cliché goes, I will rise from the ashes like a phoenix and there is absolutely nothing in the world that can stop me. I have gone though many adversities in the past and I have fought back valiantly every time. I might have lost many times but I have never lost hope.

I will not lose hope now; I will fight back, as always. I will regain my faith and I will come out of this phase a stronger, tougher and a much more determined person. I will come out of this phase a winner.

If anyone feels otherwise, I just have one thing to tell them:

DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO.

No matter how many times you fail, you just need to keep trying. It matters how you are going to finish, are you going to finish strong?

The Day of the Operation

On the 4th of March, 2012, I was admitted to a hospital to receive treatment for the pain I was enduring in my left hip bone for the past few months. An MRI scan confirmed that I was suffering from a condition called Bilateral Avascular Necrosis (Bilateral AVN), meaning both my hip bones have been affected by this condition (I never felt the pain in my right hip bone, but the MRI scan showed that my right hip is also affected and is in its earliest of early stages of the condition). So, an operation called Core Decompression was performed on both my hips on the 5th of March, and I have been confined to a wheelchair ever since. I am not supposed to walk for the next 4 to 5 weeks at least.

I had written a series of logs documenting the “Day of the Operation” while I was in the hospital and had saved them as Notes on my phone. I would like to present them to my readers. Initially, I wanted to keep them only to myself, but later on, I changed my mind. I haven’t paraphrased or modified the sentence structure too much. To provide more clarity, I have inserted parenthetical statements. So, the below few paragraphs will showcase my exact state of mind on the day of my operation.

Log 1:

I have been on empty stomach since last night. I was a little agitated thinking about today but somehow managed to have some good night’s sleep. My operation was scheduled to take place at 10 AM, but as per my prior experience with Manipal Hospital, I can safely say I am in for a long day. (I was also made to wait a long time when I was admitted here for my ITP issue two years ago; a procedure called Bone Marrow was supposed to be done by 10 in the morning but it didn’t happen until 01:30 PM).

My visits to the loo became a bit frequent in the meanwhile, and I kept asking myself, “Will this be the last time I answer my nature’s call on my own for the next few weeks?” I tried not to let thoughts like these bother me, but it was becoming difficult as the wait was excruciating.

As I was on empty stomach since last night, my mother also refused to eat anything, which upset me a lot as I didn’t want my mom to suffer because of me. However, I eventually convinced her to eat something, which gave me a lot of relief. 

It's quarter past twelve, and I still haven’t got the call to go to the Operation Theatre. I was informed that the OT is full and several patients are still in waiting, so I was made to wait even longer. I was getting restless by the minute but held myself together. I had no fear but just wanted to get it over with.

Log 2:

The notes below were documented after I returned from the operating room.

Finally, at 3 PM, I got the call to go to the Operation Theatre. I felt a bit odd as I was moved to the OT on a stretcher. I experienced a spine-tingling moment when I reached the area where the operating rooms are located. Not surprisingly, I was made to wait again as there was some cleaning up process going on after an operation. I was dumped just outside the OT in a restricted room.

I just laid there watching a few doctors and helpers walking back and forth by me. The wait seemed endless, and my restlessness grew even more. In the meantime, a doctor, who was at the end of her shift, spoke to me. She asked me when did I eat last, I answered “Last night.” She felt bad and she said, “Oh, this is why we don't like to make the patients wait, but the OT is very busy today.” I just nodded. Before leaving, she just waved at me and said “Good luck,” and I replied with a “Thank you” and a smile.

Operation Theatre (Representational Image)

Finally, I was taken into the Operation Theatre. I glanced at the clock, and it was 05:05 PM. I said to myself, “Freak, that was the longest two hours of my life.”

I was given the anaesthesia, and I was asked to breathe heavily into an oxygen mask. Before I went under, I received a caring pat on the back by Dr Varma, my orthopaedic surgeon. And, that’s the last thing I remember.

When I woke up, I remember shivering profusely. It took me three whole seconds to realise the operation was actually over. The first thing I read were the words “Post Ortho Operation Theatre” on the board right in front of me. I was still shivering, but I was in my senses, so much so that I asked the lady who was there in the Post OT room, “Was it really that cold in the OT?” barely managing to say those words in a single breath. She smiled and said, “Yes,” indicating that I need to rest now. A heating instrument was placed right above me to increase my body temperature. I overheard the lady talking to someone on the phone that my operation went on for an hour from 05:30 to 06:30 PM. I asked her what time it was, and she said, “Ten past seven.” So, I was unconscious for over two hours, and I was kept in the Post OT room for another two hours. Later that night, I was taken to the X-Ray room to get the X-Ray of my hips after the operation.

I was to be shifted to another stretcher to carry me to the X-Ray room, which was on one of the basement floors. A couple of nurses and helpers came along. A junior doctor asked me if I can move to the stretcher on my own, and I immediately nodded in approval. When I tried to move my legs, I couldn’t move them an inch. Both my hips were heavily plastered, and the pressure was so immense, I couldn’t even move them. I could feel my legs but didn’t have enough strength to get them across to the other stretcher. I told them, “I can’t move my legs.” When I uttered those words, it was probably one of the most significant moments of my life. I couldn’t believe I said that. So, a couple of nurses held my legs and placed them onto the stretcher. A male nurse tried to hold my shoulders to help me move to the stretcher, but I refused. I said, “I can do it on my own.” My ego was already bruised, so I wouldn’t let that happen again. I garnered all my upper body strength and managed to move onto the stretcher on my own. It was a triumphant moment. Considering the fact that I hadn’t eaten or drank anything for 24 hours now, I still had some strength left in me.

I was carried to the X-Ray room by a cute nurse and another female helper. I felt nauseous along the way because of the anaesthesia but tried to hold it in. We were in the middle of nowhere, so the nurse couldn’t find anything like a bowl or a cover for my vomiting sensation. Along the way, I felt somewhat okay and was taken straight to the X-Ray room. There was again another struggle here to get me across to the X-Ray table and then back onto the stretcher. After the X-Ray was done, I was going to be taken back to my room on the ninth floor. While coming back, I finally saw my mom and my brother with a concerned look on their faces. I just looked at my bro and gave him a thumbs-up, as if to say I was doing great. Before we could enter my room, I vomited on the floor. It was an embarrassing moment but was unavoidable. I was placed on my bed a few minutes later, and yet again, I insisted on moving over to my bed on my own. But, I needed some assistance again. And, so it was finally done!

But the real battle starts now!

Self Motivational Thoughts

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I had written this a few years ago on a piece of paper when I was going through a really terrible phase in my life. I always stay positive even if my life is in absolute dire-straits. I am a fighter and I have always fought my way through tough situations in my life. So I had written a few lines to motivate myself to overcome that tough phase. And it did help me a lot to a great extent. Now, I find myself going through another lean phase in my life. But I don't get bogged down by my failures, I don't get depressed, I always see a ray of hope. 

So here are some of my motivational thoughts to overcome failures/obstacles. Hope it helps, at least to a certain extent:

• Visualize your goal.
• Work out all the possible routes to reach your goal.
• Choose the best route (legally) achievable by you.
• List out the possible rivals and threats.
• Always stay focused on your goal and never lose the sight of it.
• Be supremely confident about your abilities.
• Believe in yourself.
• Don't let distractions affect you.
• Again remind yourself what your goals are and don't lose focus.
• Work very very hard.
• Always have a positive outlook.
• Don't let failures bog you down.
• Never ever give up, no matter what!
• List out your positives and negatives. Work on your negatives and turn them into positives. 
• Work harder on your positives and make them even stronger.
• Try loving the things which you are not good at or which don't come to you naturally. You may not be the best at it, but certainly you will the worst at it, if you try.

There is absolutely nothing in the world which is not achievable by you, only if you mind. Its time to put words into actions.  

My Current State of Mind

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My life is like walking into a severe whirlwind where the wind is so strong it is demolishing everything in its stride. I see trees, cars and even houses flying around me but I still walk fearlessly. A huge log of wood crashes into my chest and I fall down on the ground heavily injured. But I get up, lick my wounds and start walking ahead. That’s how I tackle the obstacles in my life. I fight them. Nothing can break me. Absolutely nothing can break me.